The Ongster!!!

HAHAH... It reads... 60, 58, 50, 50, 50... Is it just me, or is that the hand of God? That certainly is a feat. I passed! Whoo.. That's done.

Time to get Rocky-ised..

I think the Rocky music pumped me up. So yeah. And also the encouragements from the many friends I had.

So that was all good.

Too happy to say much.

Going to fly home tomorrow.

Probably this is going to feel exactly like a repetition of a blog I think I wrote much earlier... Anyway, I feel depressed. Not at the orals or exams or my prospective medical career.

But as me, Alex Ong, my character, and my attitude, as well as my manners and integrity.

I honestly think pretty poorly of myself, and while I give myself a good account to family and friends alike, there are clearly emotions that I don't like having to experience.

It would probably be best to talk to someone about this, but seeing the volatile nature of my happiness, it probably comes up here and there. This is certainly one of those moments where I take a bloody millisecond to reflect and this topic comes flying back at me.

Speaking of which, the topic is that of my attitude to my parents, and my family as a whole.

No one has really seen me perhaps be upset with my parents, which would be the norm, as naturally, when you're on show, you try to bring your best behaviour with whoever you're with. But lately, I've really really felt that, after I speak to them, either in person, or by the phone calls, I think I don't do myself justice.

Where's the proper manners? I always seem rugged, rude and not vulgar but just plain rude... Sigh... And the worst bit is, I start getting depressed soon after, because I know I could do something about it. Yet... I haven't.

And even worse, when you feel that bad, sometimes it feels bad enough to get into a state of utter gloom.

So answer me this question, why is it that I seem to bring more joy to my friends than my family, when it should be my family getting more joy, when they've been the ones to support me my whole life?

Of course, family loyalty is never an issue. Anyone has any problems with my family, whether it be my oldest brother or my parents or anything, I will pay back with something...

Sigh... O_O I really feel bad now every time I talk to my parents. Especially the manner at which I say things. I don't mean to sound like it, so why do I keep getting frustrated and upset?

Yeah, well, sorry this seems pretty like a crap blog. But that's how I feel at the bloody moment, down in the dumps in a nutshell.

I can't wait till Thursday 11am... Finally will have my one week of freedom (I'm revelling in any holidays I get at this point... :S)...

Sigh.

Well... gotta sleep! LATE! :P...

And, I really wish time could fly back. Each day I seem to work my heart out in the hope of getting a moment of the past back. Each moment I seem to be further and further away from the memories I treasure the most. Why... Time is certainly of the essence. We gotta keep moving. But I want it all to stop.

As U2 sings it, "In the name of love" :)

Yo... just want to add that I've uploaded pics of the last 12 months (not all, selected photos).. actually, make it the last 15 months.

Its at my MSN Space...

http://pandaong86.spaces.live.com/

Lol.. yes, I have this thing for Pandaong86... hm hm... so yea.. XD

Toodles... :) And enjoy the pictures :)

Yes, another Rocky post... I love this one song in Rocky... Gets me really fired up... Whee.... look for a user profile with pandaong86, and then look at the Rocky 2 video that I have in My Favourites. That's one of my all time greatest movie inspiration moments. That music so suits it...

The assiduous atrociousness of Alexander's audacious afforts at ax-aminations, assures thee an almighty altercation with the assuming alterations at offer.

Well, my crappy attempt at using A in most of my start of my words.

Bah.

Ah well...

o-O.. Time to sleep!

Rocky Balboa, the greatest underdog of this generation, is returning for one final triumph. Sylvester Stallone will once again return as the Italian Stallion, coming out of retirement for one more bout. At the age of 60.

I can't wait. Will inspire me. Will... make me... ANGRY!!!... Will.. FIRE ME UP. Come on!!!

I'm weights training again. To meet up with Adi for lunch tomorrow, hopefully no email comes. Need to keep working.

Xenosaga 3 is becoming a pain in the neck with all the constant crashes. Bah. Need to reset the game again. Hm...

On the other hand, I'm very very happy so far. Last night I officially turned nocturnal again. Simply because the bloody game kept crashing.

Hm... Quite sleepy. Gonna sleep soon (or so I write).

Saw a real beat up Mercedes E190, which kind of wrote on itself, THIS IS HOW NOT TO TREAT YOUR CAR (and naturally, YOUR COMPANION/PARTNER/WIFE). It was like rusting and the suspension was screwed up and many more other problems. Even the driver. He was on the bloody mobile phone.

Can't wait till end of January.

Beginning to dread the start of uni life again. But then, in a way, my summer wasn't that dull. Spent it relearning all my pre-med work so it wasn't a total loss.

At least I had something to do, in hindsight, rather than mindlessly do what I do on holidays usually, sit around and do NOTHING.

So yeah, kinda half satisfied with my holidays this time. I actually deserved a break this time.

Hm.

Think I'll go take some videoing tomorrow. Have some fun with the video camera.

So yeah, kind of tired.

Should be having 2 slices of toast, a bowl of cereal, a cup of hot milo/hot chocolate, and a cup of OJ. That's breakfast. Then I'll see what I can get light for lunch.

Whee.

Happy.

Rocky makes me ever more inspired.

I must find that anthology. Bloody 80 euros is killing me. I want it at 30 euros. Bloody oath.

AH man... Oh dear oh dear ARGHHHHh... stupid missing Joeys jumper.. Where's my beloved Joeys "Panda" White 04 jersey???? WAHHHHHH :(

Awesome song. I'd post the video here, but some problem embedding the song at the moment. So here's the link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAD8IaNabYE

Hope you enjoy it.. Like some of the comments say, it seems a total homo song, but hell yeah, it has one of the catchiest beats, in my opinion. After listening to it in the car, man, I haven't got this song out of my head. I just don't feel like... dancin' dancin', even if I have nothing better to do! XD WAHAHA Whot a song.

And... Farah called me an old hag... :( WAHAHAHHA :P...

Well, not in any other girl or anything like that, of course not.

More curiously, it refers to my watching Saving Private Ryan, probably one of the best films I've ever watched (well, I never really grew attached to romance films too much, so I don't think too highly of them.. of course, the way I think, I'd have to be having watched it with a girl to ever even think of such a genre very highly.. lol.. I'm just sucky ducky at such stuff).

Based around World War II, in particular the D-day landing at Omaha Beach and the events following that, Captain John Miller (Tom Hanks) is given new orders by the Chief of Staff, to save Private James Francis Ryan (Matt Damon).

This search for Private Ryan ensues following the death of Ryan's other three brothers, having been killed in action, and all separated from one another following a previous incident that resulted in the total loss of all brothers in a family.

To ensure such a possibility would never occur again, the Ryan brothers were all split up.

Wow. I don't know how to further describe this movie. Apart from the fact that there's plenty of action, blood and the buildup of many events as it goes through, I realised watching this is more or less the same as playing as the American allies in the game Call of Duty 2. I recall the Bell Tower in the movie, in either the first game or the 2nd game, and I certainly remember the landing.

It was certainly a spectacular movie to watch with nothing more to do for the evening. I really hate lonely times at the moment. I'm trying to fill my drab life.

But yeah, well, my interest in World War II was ignited yet once more with the movie tonight. It was evident why it deserved the 11 nominations it got.

So, my first day turning 20 is officially spent in front of the TV, apart from doing nearly nothing else.

Or is it technically my 2nd day? Hm..

Found out there's another Rocky movie coming out.. That's another movie series I enjoyed.

But yeah, Saving Private Ryan was an awesome movie, unless you hate war movies and so forth. But certainly compelling, inspiring, and certainly, makes me ponder if I earnt the right to go home. I don't think so. I haven't been able to look at my own parents in the eye and say that I gave it a real go. That's what the whole thing about war is too. How the camaraderie of your mates gets you through the toughest of times, how you don't really have choices like we do today, how working together can make a whole difference, being fairly prominent in your line of work, in terms of skill and ability, also helps, so wow. Tears, fired up emotions, all of that were a part of me watching this movie.

I'm not afraid to say what I say, because what I say is what I think. I want to earn the right to go home. I want to earn the right to come home to the people I love. I want to earn the right to say "I love you" to the person I'd love the most. I want to earn the right to get through adversity in the correct and most appropriate manner.

That's why, I'm too honest.

But in a way, I guess, that is my character. I hate liars, I hate people who give the wrong facts when it really matters. But... that's life. No one's perfect. So let's get on with things ey?

I want to say that, Saving Private Ryan, was probably one of the best movies I'll ever watch. Honestly the quality of movies is getting crappier and crappier. I can't see many movies even matching this.

Time to start getting fit. To begin the weight loss programme designated. To be able to kick ass in tennis come end of January.

Well.. yeah.. I'm 20. No more a teenager. No longer holding the freedom of living.

Turning 20 marks a turning point in my life. A time in which I bear many more responsibilities than before.

Turning 20 means that I no longer have that youthful run of energy to keep thinking young. I have to mature further to allow for a responsible life.

Of course, this doesn't mean I get a GF, nor does it mean I get a car on my birthday. Far from it. I'm merely starting the next stage of my life, my tertiary education (and possible specialisation) is now the heart of education, having made way from secondary education.

Turning 20 has many things that makes me think. Have I achieved what I wanted to achieve? Am I doing things right? The decisions I made, were they correct, in hindsight? So many things I can ask.

However, 20 years of my life now and I have seen many new friends. Many trusty, loyal, helpful, sincere friends.

20 years of my life, I have seen the horrors of extreme sports, of war, of horrifying images of those who are impoverished.

20 years of my life, which has been through the ups and downs.

20 years of my life, which is ever changing.

I watched on TV in horror, at the death of F1 legend Ayrton Senna, which happened on 01/05/1994 (Malaysian Labour Day) on the news.

I saw the first tower of the World Trade Centre in New York collapse live on TV before school started.

I read about many many incidents. Perhaps more recently, Steve Irwin and Peter Brock in Australia.

But yeah, I guess that's life.

I've seen many good things though. I've been to Palm Garden, and the opening of the Renaissance hotel at Palm Garden. I've seen Dr. Mahathir sit on the same table as my dad, at The Palace of the Golden Horses. I've seen Tiger Woods within 10 metres of myself. I've shaken hands and hugged Dr. Ling (think of Transport Ministry, to freshen the mind). I've learnt my trade in tennis, I've done swimming, I've learnt the joys of 22 people chasing a ball in an enclosed pitch. I've met some of the loveliest people. I've met some stingy bastards too.

But I think, most of all, the greatest thing... Is the memory of being as a family, something my family cannot do today. We are all spread apart so very far from each other, even at this moment. My last lasting memory of being a real family (almost), would be XMAS 1997. When we all were home for Xmas, except for my married oldest brother.

I only wish that I could have everyone under one roof again for a meal.

Our lives are so far apart, yet intertwined by hope of another meeting some day.

I don't have very much to ask for this birthday nor XMAS in fact. I think, the greatest thing is that I have been given the oppurtunity to do medicine, to meet the friends I have now, to cherish, love and enjoy the friendships of past and present, especially when it is sincerely due to some. My happiness is brought by the presence of family, the constant gathering of a family to have a feast together.

Perhaps I never would admit it, but some how, just is it possible that my life seems really hollow? That, even with all the friends in the world, it is just so hard to replace the youthful feelings of being part of a whole family and all that.

Sigh.

Turning 20 is also meant to be a time of change. That the resolutions of losing weight and getting fit as well as having an active and gifted brain would be well on its way to being achieved. Yet..

Ah well. I'll only say one thing. There's no looking to the past except for memories. We don't have a time machine. But there's one thing we can do now. We can alter the future by doing something for the present. I want to make it clear that I will move forward, stride as big and as far forward as I can, without the slightest hesitation, to bring forth a whole lot more happiness to the family, my family of friends as well, and all those who associate well with me.

I wish I was home. That's all I wished for.

I don't think of birthday parties (I never had one, incidentally, NEVER EVER), I don't think of anything too extravagant, but my parents are always more than happy to satisfy the wants. But I am no longer satisfied with that. Turning 20, I want to return the favour. I want to bring happiness and everything positive.

I suppose I do already, but I'm going to give medicine my 110% from now on. I know I never really worked last year (despite what you may have seen), so I am going to give my best while at the same time, become fairly active in sports.

My birthday. If only everyone was here to celebrate with me.

Glad to see no one forgot. Samuel Seeto, Gab Lee have msg-ed me. Lorraine, thanks for that SMS. Seeto, thanks for putting it up on your MSN name. But yes, I guess, I never would ever expect anyone to message me. In fact the only time I remember most fondly about friends is when I was in boarding school. That my Indo friend got me a brand new Manchester United jersey for my birthday, and that Samuel Seeto then got me a Harry Kewell Liverpool FC jersey. And that the usual fun ensued with birthday bashes. I don't have many memories otherwise. I've not had a cake for 8 years. Don't think I'll be having a cake any time soon.

Wish you both were here. We'd all go to a Japanese restaurant along with my brother and his friends, and we'd all have a good chat, ranging from stuff at TCD, and to us at RCSI. And not only gossip, we could go into TV series, anime, sports. Sigh. I love birthdays, but at the same time, I somehow loathe them. Because it really isn't any fun without everyone. But I guess we all have to make the best out of it.

:)

Anyway, its nearly 3am, I don't feel like sleeping. I'll be next to the phone. Must get credit. A whole lot of phone calls to make the next week or 10 days rather. Important phone calls. Even if they are overseas. Even if it will cost money (its cash, just cash, nothing's more precious than life).

Its seemingly busy days for the friends whom I have usually been in contact with. Naturally would also be tiring. Thus, I haven't had time, nor would they, to have a good yarn.

Thankfully, that's where my tennis buddies came in. Which was a big big plus as we discussed the plans to gang up and kick ass come end of January when I head to Sydney, which is what I am looking forward to now.

Sigh.

Mum's flown home today. I wish I could be on that flight home. Instead though, I shall be treated to a Jap dinner this Thursday. Why would I get treated to some expensive dinner? Simply because it will highlight a new milestone in my fast-paced life. Because I turn 20.

Time has flown. I am no longer a teenager soon. Sigh. But does age ever matter anymore?

Hung is to come by my place to get some of his stuff (Hope he takes ALL of his stuff).

Blah. I really do feel much more liberated. Perhaps more like the Alex Ong who was before the beginning of RCSI.

Frustrated. I really am. Not because of any exam. Because simply I can't find my school jersey. My beautiful white and fantastic looking Joeys jersey is missing. It is more like a jumper, but then, lol.

Sigh.

And, Sarah-Jane, I can't get the Chatterbox replies on, so uhm, lol, just to say, don't worry bout not posting, we're all busy in our own ways. And, its a real pity if you're going home for xmas, but then, whatever you decide to do, you've naturally got the right to make your choices.. hehe.. it would be nice to have you around for xmas, but of course, we all know that family is one of the most important things in life.

Additionally, if you don't mind, could you let me know when exactly you're arriving? I may be able to kacau you if I don't have any hitches. If I do, then well... you won't see me for a while.

Happily, my MAS tickets have got the desired upgrades I wanted. I have spent over 40k of my Enrich points to upgrade classes. So I travel in style. Even if alone, it is something to live for.

I've grown my beard. I've sworn to cut it on the day that the results come out. If I have a viva (or orals), then I will shave it. But until I fly, I hopefully won't have to shave.

Sigh.

I hate life. I love life too. I don't know.

I hate the fact that Steve Irwin, Peter Brock and many icons who have suffered similar fates, have to go in such a way. I love the fact that I have my family. My family, and my family of friends.

I don't know because, perhaps, I've remained the naive Alex Ong since 2004. A mental block on anything related to relationships? BLAH. Wahahah...

Anyway, I find blogging being a thing of the past now. So I may become a little bit sporadic as I ponder more on the finer things of life. Myself, my own thoughts, my family. My struggles.

I'm not a failure. I've never attempted to be. But this pre-med results have shown what my lack of foundation has resulted. Being a winner, I've grown somewhat paranoid of being a loser. I hate it, losing, that is.

I wish time could be turned back. To be back to the time when I was the carefree happy-go-lucky Alex ONG I used to be. To not have a care for the next person to me, to live as freely without worries. To live in a world without war. To have a peaceful political situation. To have racism stamped out of societies. That prejudice may not be veiled by the ever-present issues of the present.

That's my wish.

This weekend marks a very special weekend. The Italian GP is going to decide whether the end of an era continues, or is at its end. Will Michael Schumacher retire from Motor Sport?... Only the man knows now, but tomorrow 4pm we'll know of the decision.

My happiness has returned. My old scars, covered. With no one with me, I am free of any obligation. I miss my friends, yes, but for now, I revel in the freedom and peace and relaxation.

My resolution is to return to the old Alex Ong I was. I will.

Sport will be an integral part of my life. Friends will be coming in droves to participate with me in the activities I want to do the most.

That's my dream. To become the old Alex Ong. To be the fella who was not only the smiling bandit, but also the never-give-up fella who challenged everything in sport. To have fun. Plenty of it. But I guess, having gone to UNSW, I changed to the point I entered RCSI with a sense of difference.

My old band of friends are the most cherished. Can't wait. Football.

Tennis.

I dream of playing those people again. Next year. 2007 is my do or die year. I will beat them. I will be the BEST. Not only career-wise, but socially and academically as well as physically dominating.

Whoo..

I love it.

I love the adrenalin rush from games.

I love football more than medicine.

I love sport more than medicine.

I love many things more than medicine.

Of course, if you were thinking I was talking about something dirty, then you'd be mistaking me for the wrong person. I can't wait. I really can't. Well, I can actually. But the reason I can wait, its because... well... I'll say it to the person/people who would get to know it... BWAHAHA.. well.. rather... Hmm... I don't know.

Anyway, getting along with this post. Final Fantasy XII is something I've looked forward to since, well... I was playing Final Fantasy X in 2002. Yes.. that's like an eternity.

And I'd post a picture up from my desktop, but unfortunately, the upload is really crappy and gay at the moment, so I'll deal with that in a month's time when my mac is returned to me XD to dublin.. I left it in KL.

Anyway, pondering.. with you two reading what I write here.. hm.. how much detail should I write... Hmm..... Maybe I'll just keep it to my diary.

LOL. Yes... I have a diary.

Anyway. Tickets for home are confirmed. 22nd Sept I leave Dublin. 30th Sept I fly back to Dublin. 27th Jan I leave Dublin. 10th Feb I fly back to Dublin. Must find out if Sylvia is going to fly back on MAS for end of Jan/ early Feb. Though I doubt she'd want to do it as tightly scheduled as I have done my ticket.

Hm. I hate having to travel alone sometimes. I guess the inflight entertainment system distracts me. But that works well only if I'm on a plane with good movies, like SIA. MAS just totally has outdated movies relative to SIA.

Lol. Hungry. Bought some grapes. €4.50 per 600g at M&S. Yes. Expensive. But nice. Ripe. Juicy.

Lol. I think I'll write a brief summary of what I am about to reveal totally one day. If I ever conjure the guts to say it in person.

In hindsight, perhaps it was the best thing for everyone. That I did not actually ask. That my interest that stemmed from long ago never really materialised, partially due to my lacking to ask such a peculiar thing. But I guess, its the best thing for I never really was able to show my true self when I'm under harsh stress.

Perhaps I find it hard to show my weakness to stress when I'm just with a friend or with friends. But I blow out pretty bad at times and my nonchalant attitude to my surroundings and things would certainly ensure anything rocky. I wouldn't ever want that with anyone I love. That's my one thing I don't want anyone to experience. I can be a real bastard. A real pain in the ass/neck.

I'm happy I suppose. That's what I keep telling myself. But then, what my true emotions are, even I wouldn't really know. I suppose that time brings much pain to things. So many good things I have experienced in life...

Lol. Well, that was kind of what I wanted to say. But if I had to tell that, it would be different. Much more difficult. But. That is what makes me the coward I am at heart. I have never been a leader. Perhaps I should try to be more proactive in activities. But then, words are easier said than done.

I have been very close to some of the best things in life. The problem with me is... I don't grasp it upon first oppurtunity. That's in general. I then hope that a 2nd chance comes by. But if that 2nd chance never comes by, I ought to know that I should've grasped that first chance. But there's no point in saying... The past is the past.

That was the case with me for my exams. I left it to my repeats. Suppose I didn't have repeats and had to leave though, there is no telling how devastated I could have been. That is why, I maybe, shouldn't contemplate entering a relationship, now or for the foreseeable future.

Wah... :S lol... I'm a good friend. But in a relationship, I suppose I'm pretty bad. I haven't tried. But I suppose I shouldn't ever contemplate the thought. But then... blah.. This is kind of getting nowhere. LOL. Hehe... Never mind.

In short, I am happy I went against the wishes of my own thoughts. Life isn't a dream. I have to snap to reality about things, especially relationships. The one thing I would hate to do is hurt a friend, out of an act of breaking up or so forth. And thus, I suppose, that makes it ultra hard for me to find it to be right... Sigh.

Hehehe.... As you can see from the title.. Utter joy and excitement raged Dublin in spades, as Alexander the Great delivered his outpour of joy and relief following the end of the trials of wisdom.

Translated: I have finished the REPEATS!!!!!!

Ok.. firstly.. I want to say.. while I am overcome with much joy... I also am deeply hurt.

I really am utterly shocked at the death of the Aussie legend, Steve Irwin, who brought much life to wildlife, not only to those who experienced the Aussie culture, but to the people of the world who adoringly watched his shows.. Kids and oldies alike.

Honestly, he was the person I would least expect to die at this day and age. We needed an ambassador like him to help in the preservation of the species of wildlife which is rapidly losing its own habitat as homosapiens continue its own burgeoning growth.

Stevo was such a character to help improve the tourism of Australia. I still am in utter disbelief at the fact that he died of cardiac arrest after a stingray's barb went through his left chest.

Sigh.. RIP Steve Irwin. A great man, with great character. I am nowhere near half the man he was.

As a matter of fact, the turtle on my MSN name is something of a tribute to big Stevo himself. Not only myself, but many friends are doing the same. Spread by reading some chinese MSN apparently.. lol.. or somewhere... but yeah, I would follow suit.

Now, secondly, I am also ecstatic that in the last week, Sydney University retained the Tooheys Cup for Rugby Union, downing Randwick club 16-10, despite having had to play the last 10 minutes or so with 14 men. As a result, my friend, Jeremy Tilse, of my age, and in 1st grade rugby union, has made a meteoric rise to club rugby and is clearly looking to make a name for himself in the sporting world. If he does make it big one day, I'll have to really look him up for good.

By the way, I was referring to Rugby Union.

Wahhhaha...

Yeah... happy happy. Had much fun since finishing the repeats. Saw Lobo and Edmond. Edmond was surprised I was back for repeats.. naturally, since I had all his past papers.... :S... LOL!!! But yeah.. I trimmed that list big time... I think its only worthwhile doing the last 5 years of papers and repeat papers, and all the MCQs... In fact, the major easy marks are from MCQ because 30% of the paper's total worth is that.. EASY MARKS indeed.

Well..

Can't wait.

Yeah.. well.. I don't know how to express myself now.. That's it till later perhaps when I am more calm and easy... hehe

But, Sarah, thanks for the messages... Really really kind of you. Thanks to you, Lorraine for well.. being tolerant with my long distance messaging.. I know your parents are going to kill you for the sms's... and I would pay for them if you'd like me to... After all, I did start the messaging. :)

LOL... I am just too kind. Stop me from being so kind.... :P Hehehe... nah.. I'll be kind only to a certain few... Sincerely kind, I mean. Those who I am sincerely kind to will get to read this blog as freely as possible (though, as Kenneth said, not likely for me to keep to that idea... lol... like me and not playing pool last year... lasted a day for not playing pool.. then just played pool for like.... :P)

Don't know what people make of it...

But, tonight, I looked at myself, cold and hard in the eye, and I just can't help but feel that I never lived to my potential as an intellect, as an all-rounded student.

Perhaps I have become to lenient and lax in my ways.

Plenty has gone through my mind. My cousin's birthday last week, just before my repeats. Quite happily though, I received a Friendster message in reply for sending her birthday wishes. I haven't seen her in a long time. Was, and still is, my favourite cousin. So understanding and warm. And quite nicely, settled in Australia, graduated and working, and has a boyfriend. Hm hm.. The last time I saw her... was long long ago, before I finished my HSC... I only went to her College once there in Sydney (it was an all girl's school, so you can imagine the furore I may have created, being a guy waltzing in to see my cuz with my mum at her school :P).

Those days are long gone.

Long times.

Perhaps I made a mistake somewhere. I don't know. I don't have the time to think about what may have gone right, or wrong. All I can do is look forward. Regardless of what happens around me. Time to rebuild that shell I once struggled out of? I don't know. I write far more than I actually should.

It's more or less a fact for me now, that I am Mr. Eligible Bachelor, and not looking at the moment. I've had my moments of infatuations (or so someone used to tell me a long time ago..)... but yeah.

I am just too gosh darn kind. That's my problem. If I were more stingy, perhaps I wouldn't have had to deal with having to study this far out.

I am too self-centred. My past is reeking of that. Once, that was my problem, and it meant my mum got her bag snatched. Which compounds my guilt that I carry as a burden to ensure I don't do the same things wrong twice.

I am just... Mr-I-Love-Everyone. That's my real problem. I end up caring for everyone. But myself. I don't know. I must change for the better. For my own good in particular. Or this decline may spiral just too quickly and forever.

sleepiness.. :).. two done. three + two to go.