Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Remorseful
Probably this is going to feel exactly like a repetition of a blog I think I wrote much earlier... Anyway, I feel depressed. Not at the orals or exams or my prospective medical career.
But as me, Alex Ong, my character, and my attitude, as well as my manners and integrity.
I honestly think pretty poorly of myself, and while I give myself a good account to family and friends alike, there are clearly emotions that I don't like having to experience.
It would probably be best to talk to someone about this, but seeing the volatile nature of my happiness, it probably comes up here and there. This is certainly one of those moments where I take a bloody millisecond to reflect and this topic comes flying back at me.
Speaking of which, the topic is that of my attitude to my parents, and my family as a whole.
No one has really seen me perhaps be upset with my parents, which would be the norm, as naturally, when you're on show, you try to bring your best behaviour with whoever you're with. But lately, I've really really felt that, after I speak to them, either in person, or by the phone calls, I think I don't do myself justice.
Where's the proper manners? I always seem rugged, rude and not vulgar but just plain rude... Sigh... And the worst bit is, I start getting depressed soon after, because I know I could do something about it. Yet... I haven't.
And even worse, when you feel that bad, sometimes it feels bad enough to get into a state of utter gloom.
So answer me this question, why is it that I seem to bring more joy to my friends than my family, when it should be my family getting more joy, when they've been the ones to support me my whole life?
Of course, family loyalty is never an issue. Anyone has any problems with my family, whether it be my oldest brother or my parents or anything, I will pay back with something...
Sigh... O_O I really feel bad now every time I talk to my parents. Especially the manner at which I say things. I don't mean to sound like it, so why do I keep getting frustrated and upset?
Yeah, well, sorry this seems pretty like a crap blog. But that's how I feel at the bloody moment, down in the dumps in a nutshell.
I can't wait till Thursday 11am... Finally will have my one week of freedom (I'm revelling in any holidays I get at this point... :S)...
Sigh.
Well... gotta sleep! LATE! :P...
And, I really wish time could fly back. Each day I seem to work my heart out in the hope of getting a moment of the past back. Each moment I seem to be further and further away from the memories I treasure the most. Why... Time is certainly of the essence. We gotta keep moving. But I want it all to stop.
As U2 sings it, "In the name of love" :)
But as me, Alex Ong, my character, and my attitude, as well as my manners and integrity.
I honestly think pretty poorly of myself, and while I give myself a good account to family and friends alike, there are clearly emotions that I don't like having to experience.
It would probably be best to talk to someone about this, but seeing the volatile nature of my happiness, it probably comes up here and there. This is certainly one of those moments where I take a bloody millisecond to reflect and this topic comes flying back at me.
Speaking of which, the topic is that of my attitude to my parents, and my family as a whole.
No one has really seen me perhaps be upset with my parents, which would be the norm, as naturally, when you're on show, you try to bring your best behaviour with whoever you're with. But lately, I've really really felt that, after I speak to them, either in person, or by the phone calls, I think I don't do myself justice.
Where's the proper manners? I always seem rugged, rude and not vulgar but just plain rude... Sigh... And the worst bit is, I start getting depressed soon after, because I know I could do something about it. Yet... I haven't.
And even worse, when you feel that bad, sometimes it feels bad enough to get into a state of utter gloom.
So answer me this question, why is it that I seem to bring more joy to my friends than my family, when it should be my family getting more joy, when they've been the ones to support me my whole life?
Of course, family loyalty is never an issue. Anyone has any problems with my family, whether it be my oldest brother or my parents or anything, I will pay back with something...
Sigh... O_O I really feel bad now every time I talk to my parents. Especially the manner at which I say things. I don't mean to sound like it, so why do I keep getting frustrated and upset?
Yeah, well, sorry this seems pretty like a crap blog. But that's how I feel at the bloody moment, down in the dumps in a nutshell.
I can't wait till Thursday 11am... Finally will have my one week of freedom (I'm revelling in any holidays I get at this point... :S)...
Sigh.
Well... gotta sleep! LATE! :P...
And, I really wish time could fly back. Each day I seem to work my heart out in the hope of getting a moment of the past back. Each moment I seem to be further and further away from the memories I treasure the most. Why... Time is certainly of the essence. We gotta keep moving. But I want it all to stop.
As U2 sings it, "In the name of love" :)
