The Ongster!!!

Being down and depressed in a weird thing. Some call it nervousness, others call it jealousy. What it is? Nothing.

I feel as though I had been ripped apart on so many levels that it was unfathomable that I would even live to see the light and write this blog. Well.. no light, since it was like 4pm when I left college.

But for sure, having been hit with the reality of anatomy cardsigning, which I grossly hate and look away from, I am certainly feeling as though things aren't going according to what I had supposedly planned.

I feel like I wanna just sit and cry.. Cry and then I just wanna not do anything. I want to just sit, talk freely about my own emotions, about myself, about the things in life that makes me feel special, about the things that I am thankful for, about the things that should always be cherished.

I walked home today.

While walking home, I thought.. "I wish someone would come and shoot me"... Why... I don't know...

Depression may have wreaked havoc upon myself, and may have alleviated this problem with the pressures of medicine.

So many things in life I don't understand.

Why are people so fickle? Why do people do crazy things when they're in love? Why do people fall head over heels at times? Why do things happen when you least expect them to happen? Why does it always seem like the bad guys win?

With the last question, we've seen it happen time and time again. US President John F Kennedy was assassinated, Pope John Paul II survived a different assassination, and currently at present, we are not able to help improve the world environment, with the Kyoto Protocol not being signed by the likes of USA and Australia, both of whom produce emissions as though it is like nobody's business.

Well, technically, there isn't a bad guy really, but... I just feel totally and utterly crap that I don't want to talk to anyone.

I just feel like...sitting here... saying absolutely crap-all. To just sit, and just wander away spiritually, and be free.

If I wrote a blog on love, it would be totally different. I would have been more compelled to write about why I hate medicine and any job in general, yet I would have been committed to do it as I needed to make a living out of any career I would have. But no, it is not anything like that at all.

Jealousy.. perhaps. I doubt it. Anger probably says it all more clearly. I don't really want to elaborate on this.

Unfortunately, life is simply a fickle thing.

We say we are blessed to be having a life, a physical form of nature, yet I feel that although we are indeed blessed to be born into this world, it is merely a temporary situation that we are blessed, and we are soon left in this fickle world in which ruthlessness and selfishness prevail.

I've never been one to be cruel and upset, but I am severely and deeply upset at the way things are. However, that isn't my business to think that way. I just have to keep working.

I feel like.. I am merely a joke. A guy who has no future. A guy who simply doesn't know what he wants in life. A guy who simply won't make his mind in that instant and ruthlessly get what he wants.

No.

I am never like that.

I will not be ruthless.

I fight for everything I believe in, fair and square. I believe in my own abilities as Alex. I believe that what I can do, is what I can offer to society.

However, what is it that I can offer to society? How can I be significant? I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. I will not know, but I will find out, slowly but surely, what I was born to do in life.

I am indeed reducing blogging, indefinitely, but there are moments such as today, when emotions are all mixed up, and you have nowhere to turn to, to simply let it all out. Things like these, I will bring up. Sigh. I really feel like I'm nothing smart, I feel not dumb, but I don't feel as though I am capable of being anything I want to be, I don't have any confidence in anything I have done.

There is one more thing I want to talk about.

It is Mitch Albom's new novel, For One More Day. It is one helluva good novel. I completely and utterly recommend it. Based on a real story, it certainly hit the right strings on me. It did one thing many novels don't bring to me... It moved me... My heart was full of regret when I had finished the book. Full of regret of the things I had done to my parents over the last 20 years.

I am so scared that I may be a failure at the end. I don't want things to be like that.

I feel absolutely flummoxed and lost.

I am a Lost Soul.